this is the part where the music gets all serious and things go dark

the farm is seriously unwell, and it bums me out to no end.  like, excessively so.  i set it up to be right outside the kitchen window so it would be the first thing i saw while making coffee and i could bask in its vegetable glory.  now it's the first thing i see while making my coffee and it ruins my day.  my therapist thinks that part of the joy i got from it had to do with the notion of "taking root," which i, as someone who changed countries midway through childhood and continents midway through adolescence, never got to do.  well, my surrogate roots are now under attack from forces i neither understand nor can keep up with, and looking at them is like a wilted rotten slap in the face reminding me that joy is fleeting and fickle, and unless you make a battle of it, it'll be taken from you.  see?  there's the drama.  i try to remind myself that it's just a back porch farm, that there's a learning curve, that it's bum luck.  but i can't help but get discouraged.  i mean, look!

my once bountiful cucumber, now reduced to desiccated stubs.

and the once uncontested climbing champ, now hanging on by threads (literally... the tendrils dried up so i had to tie it to the trellis), with half its leaves clipped and the other half going yellow.  every day i see more yellow.  every day i clip more leaves.  it's like the movie star who's finding her glorious locks falling out by the fistful.  only with more insects.  although they should be dead insects now, i went to the gardening store and asked for advice, and was told to take some neem oil to it.  fingers crossed that the hose-down i gave it earlier took care of the little pests (sorry, bees).

 

the gypsy sweet, still faithfully making one pepper every couple of weeks, hasn't grown one bit.  i untied it from the stake b/c i thought maybe i'm choking it, but no improvement.  i don't know what it's unhappy about.  i don't know what to give it.  someone is also chowing down on it.

sweet charlie hasn't produced anything since the first 3 strawberries weeks ago.  not even a sign of a flower on either plant.  i don't know what it's unhappy about.  i don't know what to give it. 

the mildew on the squash is also getting worse, despite a half-hour baking soda spray-down that gave me blisters on my hands.  i guess i didn't take a picture.  it is also now showered in neem oil.

oh and i killed most of the lettuces.  the middle one just kind of wilted and disappeared, and the 4 on the periphery are struggling.  one out of the four seems to be doing allright -- not growing per se, but also not dying.  at this point, that's success.  the other ones are slowly going the way of the middle one.  i moved them out of the shade and into a sunnier spot today.  maybe the guy at the market was wrong and they do want some sun.  who doesn't want sun?  or maybe that was the worst option and i'll find them completely dried out tomorrow.  anyway, no pictures because who wants to see a dying microgreen.

so, i'm obviously quite dejected and part of me wants to throw in the towel.  but i'm not good at giving up, and besides, if it bounces back, how glorious will that be?!!?