so, it has become evident that -- just as they do in most other facets of my life -- my little neuroses and hang-ups and triggers are playing out in my gardening. after a conversation with my aunt (a very wise woman), i realized that part of my current frustration/obsession with the farm comes from not knowing how to relate to it. what can i say -- my social instinct is my predominant one. so, it comes as a shock and an unwelcome experience to me not to be able to "sense into" what's wrong, what's needed, what'll make it better. plants can only communicate by turning colors, growing/not growing, producing/not producing...... and i don't speak that language. and since (i think) part of my personality is a pretty keen sense of empathy, being unable to intuit what they need makes me feel, in a way, disabled. like i'm deaf to their needs. i don't like it. i mean, nobody likes to be faced with their shortcomings, but the capacity to "get" others is among the things i happen to like about myself, so this barrier is extra unpleasant. anyway, according to my aunt, who has been growing orchids for decades, picking up the language and knowing the appropriate course of action comes with time. but for now, i'm left finding yellow spots, with no clue as to what they're trying to tell me, and no answer as to what'll fix it.
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